


Cilantro

by gwyllion



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-12-24 20:32:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12020445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwyllion/pseuds/gwyllion
Summary: Cilantro… you either love it, or you hate it.





	Cilantro

**Author's Note:**

> Cilantro was written for the Merlin Canon Fest 2017. It contains deleted camera and audio work from A Remedy to Cure All Ills. Thanks to my wonderful cheer-reader, G, who has shared the laughter and tears of this fandom with me for the past decade!

Knock, knock.

“What’s that?”

“Shhh!”

“I hear knocking,” Miss Katherine said, pressing an antenna to the wall of the box.

“Quiet, everyone,” The Duchess of Fairhaven ordered, budging up to listen. “It’s probably Edwin.”

“Why would Edwin knock?” Eleanor asked, in her typical know-it-all tone.

“It’s not Edwin, you idiot,” Lady Elizabeth said, seething at the stupidity. She had tried her best to tolerate the cramped quarters and the half-witted ladybeetles that swooned over Edwin’s every interaction with the staff of Camelot, but she had finally reached her limit. She had her chance at escape once, but she blew it. How could she have known Gwen would leave that particular bouquet of flowers at Morgana’s bedside? Next time, she’d be stronger. She would ignore Edwin’s magical commands. She squared her shoulders and shoved her way toward the keyhole. 

“Edwin?” Merlin called.

“It’s Merlin!” Constance said with a grin.

“Are you sure?” Lady Elizabeth asked.

“Shhh, quiet, or he’ll hear us,” Miss Katherine said.

“There’ll be hell to pay if he finds out about us,” Lady Elizabeth said. She had spent enough time crawling around inside Morgana’s ear to know that Merlin would go running to Arthur if he discovered anything suspicious.

“He’s so dreamy,” Eleanor said, batting her antennae. “Are you sure Prince Arthur is banging him?”

“I’d bang him 10/10 and I’m an insect,” The Duchess of Fairhaven said with a wink.

“Get out of my way, you’re blocking the keyhole,” Miss Katherine said, shoving her way forward. “I want to look, too.”

“We can each take turns looking,” Lady Elizabeth said. “Try to control yourselves.”

“Arthur and Merlin… there’s nothing I love more than a juicy bit of gossip,” Constance swooned.

“He’s coming,” Eleanor squealed.

“I’d like to see him coming,” The Duchess of Fairhaven said.

“Shut up, you horrid tart,” Lady Elizabeth had heard enough giggling for one day. Maybe now she could plot her escape. She only had to leap between Edwin’s fingers the next time he came for one of them. A remedy to cure all ills, her ass. She could smell freedom. If only she could get away from these idiots.

“I can’t see,” The Duchess of Fairhaven complained. “Move over!”

Miss Katherine wriggled in delight. “Now he’s touching all of Edwin’s things.”

“Is he?” Lady Elizabeth asked, only slightly curious about where Merlin’s hands had been previously.

“He’s playing with the measuring instruments,” Miss Katherine said, peering through the keyhole.

“I’d like to see him playing with one instrument in particular,” The Duchess of Fairhaven said.

“Will you stop it!” Lady Elizabeth said, rolling her eyes.

“He’s the most handsome sorcerer I’ve ever seen,” Constance said.

“Stuff it, my good lady! No one is more handsome than our Edwin,” Miss Katherine admonished the young beetle.

“Whoa!” the beetles shouted in unison as the floor shifted beneath them. Lady Elizabeth fought to regain her footing in the moving box.

“OMG, he’s going to open the lid,” The Duchess of Fairhaven screamed.

“Are you kidding me?” Lady Elizabeth asked. “Edwin will be furious.”

“All of you, hold still!” Miss Katherine demanded.

With a soft whoosh of air, the cover of the box lifted. The beetles stayed as quiet as they could. No one dared twitch a leg or flex a feeler while Merlin peered inside.

Lady Elizabeth thought of jumping out and scrambling away, but as soon as she took a breath and braced a pair of her hind legs, Merlin closed the box tight.

Deflated, Lady Elizabeth covered her eyes with her antennae.

“It was him! It was him!” Constance exclaimed. “I may faint.”

“Did you see those cheekbones?” Miss Katherine asked.

“Those blue eyes?” Eleanor added.

“I’d let him put me into a pretty flower,” The Duchess of Fairhaven said.

“Not a stupid waxy ear,” Miss Katherine said, side-eying Lady Elizabeth.

“My luck and he'd put me in Gaius's waxy old ear,” Eleanor said, wrinkling her nose.

“Gross!” Constance yelled.

“I bet Gaius’s ear smells like an old wet sock,” Miss Katherine said.

“Lady Morgana's earwax smelled a bit like cilantro,” Lady Elizabeth said, thoughtfully.

“That's better than what you deserve,” Miss Katherine said.

“Cilantro… some people love it, some people hate it,” Constance said with a shrug.

“Listen!” The Duchess of Fairhaven exclaimed, pressing closer to the keyhole.

Lady Elizabeth listened intently with the rest of the beetles.

Outside the box, Merlin whispered, “Bebeode þe arisan ealdu.” 

“Awww, shit, you know we can’t resist magic,” The Duchess of Fairhaven said.

“He’s opening the box!” Constance shouted.

“What are we going to do?” Eleanor asked.

“Wriggle!” Lady Elizabeth ordered them. If they squirmed enough, she might be able to hatch her escape plan.

“Pick me! Pick me!” Constance shouted, excitedly leaping over her friends as the lid to the box opened.

“He’s not going to pick one of us,” Miss Katherine said, twitching her antennae. 

“Do these wings make me look fat?” Eleanor asked, as if her life depended on it.

“You’re hopeless,” Lady Elizabeth said. “Any beetle can see that Merlin only has eyes for Arthur.”

“I wish he loved our master,” The Duchess of Fairhaven said. “I could get used to seeing a hot piece of ass like Merlin strutting around Edwin’s bedchamber.”

“Cute butt, pretty eyes,” Constance said.

“But those ghastly ears,” Lady Elizabeth said. “Almost as bad as Edwin’s face.”

“Shut up, Lady Elizabeth! Merlin and Edwin would be so adorable together,” Miss Katherine said.

“Fat chance of Edwin and Merlin hooking up,” Lady Elizabeth said. “Edwin is a dog, compared to Merlin. With that face? Merlin’s staying with Arthur.” She regretted her words as soon as she said them.

Little did any of the beetles know, but Edwin had entered the room. Undetected by Merlin, he stood and watched.

“No!” the beetles shrieked when Merlin, in his surprise, dropped the box onto Edwin’s workbench. The ladybeetles fell through the air in darkness, antennae tangling with antennae, twitching legs struggling for purchase. Lady Elizabeth dug a pair of her feet into the floor of the box, narrowly avoiding the worst of the slamming lid as it came down.

“Very good,” Edwin said. The beetles hardly noticed his arrival, they were so busy moaning and groaning and sorting out their injuries from being dropped from a height.

Edwin had apparently caught Merlin off-guard as well. The handsome sorcerer, (you know, the one without the disfigured face), had turned around, knocking over a jar of magical powder.

Lady Elizabeth straightened her antennae and flicked her wings. No permanent damage, she thought. If only she had been brave enough to leap from the box uninjured when she had the chance. She could have scurried away to freedom and victory would have been hers. She slowly crawled over the other ladybeetles toward the keyhole to watch and listen. She feared that Edwin would never choose her for a special operation again. She had to escape when she had the opportunity.

The floor shifted again, but, fortunately, the beetles were barely jostled when Merlin handed the box to Edwin.

“Swefn,” Edwin said, lovingly.

The beetles stilled, involuntarily. They were sometimes powerless against Edwin’s magical charms. Like magic itself, it couldn’t be explained.

“God. Dammit. I. Hate. It. When. He. Does. That.” Miss Katherine said through clenched teeth.

Lady Elizabeth didn’t dare move. She mustered all of her strength, both physical and mental, gauging whether she could make a run for it. Magic could only do so much to hold her back.

“You have magic,” Edwin said.

Lady Elizabeth listened, waiting for her chance. This was going to be quick and dirty—not like jumping out of a flower and obeying Edwin’s orders to find Morgana’s cilantro-smelling earwax.

“It wasn't me, I didn't do anything,” Merlin said. He didn’t sound the least bit convincing to Lady Elizabeth. This was like watching a poorly-acted soap opera.

“Then how else did you bring them to life? Only magic can do such a thing,” Edwin said. “These little angels are how I cured Lady Morgana.”

Lady Elizabeth smiled at the endearing nickname Edwin gave his beetle companions. Maybe he wasn’t so bad. Maybe she could still be Edwin’s favourite and find her way to freedom if she were chosen to leave the box again.

“They repaired the damage to her brain,” Edwin continued. “They saved her life.”

Without warning, Edwin’s hand hovered over the box.

Merlin looked interested in what Edwin had to say.

“No! Don’t shut the box!” The Duchess of Fairhaven shrieked just as the lid came crashing down.

“Dammit, now we can’t see anything,” Eleanor whined.

Lady Elizabeth’s shoulders slumped. She had lost her opportunity again. Why was she so smitten with Edwin, of all people? She crawled toward the keyhole so she could listen better, shoving past Miss Katherine, who had arrived there first.

“Magic can be a force for good,” Edwin said.

“I know,” Merlin said, confidently.

“Then why do you fear it?” Edwin asked.

“Uther has banned it, it's not permitted,” Merlin said.

“Big fucking deal,” Miss Katherine said, flexing her antennae.

“Should I have let Morgana die?” Edwin asked.

“God, no! I’d be stuck in that ear that reeked of cilantro for who knows how long,” Lady Elizabeth said, wishing that she had the mental fortitude to have escaped while she had the chance.

“No,” Merlin said.

Lady Elizabeth smiled at the assurance that she would not have been left to die in Morgana’s ear, if Merlin had anything to say about it.

“People like us, we have a gift. Do you not think it should be used to make this a better world?” Edwin asked.

“Perhaps,” Merlin said as he tried to clean up the powder he spilled.

“Don't waste your time picking that up,” Edwin said. “Feormian dærst rénian.”

The blue powder swirled back into the bottle. Lady Elizabeth blinked back tears at the display.

“Why waste a talent like that?” Edwin said.

Lady Elizabeth watched as Merlin’s face broke into a predatory grin. “What is that look?” she asked.

“This is really happening, people!” The Duchess of Fairhaven squealed.

“Edwin’s going to turn on the flirty talk, offer to show Merlin a thing or two, mark my words,” Constance said.

“Don’t be so sure. Edwin must know that Merlin is Arthur’s booty call,” Eleanor said. “He’s no sloppy second.”

“I’ll bet you a gold coin that Edwin tries to seduce Merlin,” Constance said.

“You’re on,” Eleanor replied, smacking Constance with an antenna.

Lady Elizabeth folded her wings to let them budge up to the keyhole for a listen.

“And I can teach you,” Edwin said.

“Whoohoo! I told you so. Easiest gold coin I ever made,” Constance yelled and pranced around the box in victory.

“Godammit,” Eleanor said, before pulling a gold coin from beneath her wing. She flipped the coin to Constance. “Don’t spend it all in one place.”

“Rǽdan ásce géatan,” Merlin said, using his magic to send the powder into a bowl.

“Oh, Christ! Now Merlin’s doing magic for Edwin,” The Duchess of Fairhaven shrieked with glee.

“Look at the way Edwin’s looking at him!” Constance squealed.

“Get a room, already!” Miss Katherine yelled.

“Why don’t you use it?” Edwin asked.

“Gaius doesn't like me to,” Merlin said.

“Gaius won’t like it,” Eleanor said, leaping around, mocking Merlin.

“A gift like yours should be nurtured, practised, enjoyed. You need someone to help you, to encourage you,” Edwin said.

“Enjoyed? Encouraged? Oh my gods, Merlin’s got to be fucking dripping over this,” The Duchess of Fairhaven said, collapsing to the floor of the box and holding her heart.

“Perhaps,” Merlin said.

“Imagine what we could achieve, if we shared our knowledge,” Edwin said.

“Think about it, Merlin,” Miss Katherine said.

“I’d like to see them share some bodily fluids, instead of knowledge,” The Duchess of Fairhaven said with a smirk.

“Looks like there’s a new sorcerer in town and he’s got the hots for Prince Arthur’s manservant.” Constance said, parading around the box.

“I should be getting back,” Merlin said.

“Of course. But you must promise to keep our secret safe,” Edwin said.

“Of course,” Merlin agreed, with a shit-eating grin.

“People like you and I, we must look after each other,” Edwin said.

“They're going to get it on, I told you so! Chucka chucka wow wow!” Constance said, elbowing Eleanor.

“Don’t rub it in!” Eleanor said.

“Calm yourselves, bitches,” Lady Elizabeth said. “This show is just starting.”

She watched Merlin leave Edwin’s chambers. This new development in Edwin’s love life gave Lady Elizabeth a lot to think about. She found a quiet corner of the box and settled down for the night. With Merlin and Edwin practicing magic together, a world of opportunities opened up for her. She’d bide her time, anticipating the next time she’d be selected to leave the box. And this time, she wasn’t going to settle for an ear that smelled of cilantro.


End file.
